Disclaimer to readers: what you are about to read is, yes, a true story. It is going to sound unbelievable. For some odd reason, the events that happen in my life, or better said, the situations I somehow get myself in, could be the plot for some Lifetime movie, yet, no, this is unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your worldview) my real life.
PM wrote to me on my online dating profile with the pick-up line: "Hi Karli. I'm swooning. My parents are excited to meet you!"
I found this to be funny (yes, hoping he was a funny person instead of a psycho) so I naturally responded: "That's so weird because my parents are excited too!"
Which then of course led to him asking me out to dinner. It was for a Tuesday night (my first date was set Monday, but I cancelled and rescheduled...that date is my next blog) so here it was, Tuesday night with my first 50 in 50 date!
He chose a nice restaurant (which I googled before going to make sure it was not a warehouse) and I met him there at 8pm.
I arrived to the restaurant and realized as I looked around that I had gotten there before him (he was late) and when the hostess asked if I had a reservation, I realized that I had forgotten his name. (Looked on my phone real quick to our convo to quickly regain memory of who I was meeting). The hostess sat me. I waited. A man walked in with a baseball cap on, came over and motioned for me to stand for a hug....this was my date.
First thoughts:
1) I normally appreciate a good baseball cap (preferable a Giants one only...but this is LA so I have to be realistic) but why are you wearing it inside this restaurant?
2) You were late...which is a trait I do not find attractive in anyone.
3) He looked either confused or nervous.
4) Yes, he was better looking in person than photo...sigh of relief
He then had me get up, and asked the hostess to move us to a different table. (Unnecessary, but whatever floats your boat my friend).
We sat and talked, ordered wine, he ordered for us (which I am not used to...he's lucky I'll eat anything).
He made a comment when the wine came that he normally doesn't drink (red flag in my book) but then yes our conversation took off and he was delightful. I enjoyed dinner, felt comfortable (he had a casual/hippie side of him...hence the hat on all dinner...that made me feel as if I was sitting with a man from Humboldt).
He asked me what was the last book that I had read, since reading is one of my "likes" on my profile.
Note: If this was going to be a test of my intellectual level, he was going to fail, since I do not even own a TV and my studio has turned into some sort of library. AKA: I like to read....a lot.
So I answered his question and said "Siddhartha". He surprisingly knew that book.
PM: "Are you on a Buddhist spiritual journey?"
Me: "No."
PM: "But that's a religious book. Are you religious? I'm not. I'm spiritual."
Me: "Interesting."
PM: "Do you know anything about Religion or spirituality?"
Me: "I was a Religious Studies major in college."
He then looked at me confused/scared and changed the subject to wine. He went on about how he doesn't really drink but when he does he likes wine. He spoke of how he always had wanted to go to Italy and how he had a bottle his friend brought him from there at his apartment that he had been waiting to open. This part of the date was where he semi-redeemed himself. I spoke of my time in Italy, wine, etc. so we essentially bonded over the love of Italy/wine.
Dinner was done, we stayed and talked and then he pointed to the building across from the restaurant that he lived in.
PM:"I have had fun talking to you. It's too early to end the night so quickly. Would you care to join me for a glass of that "Italian wine?"
Here is where I will interject the story and apologize to my mother reading this...of course I should not go to a mans house I just met for a glass of wine...I've learned my lesson.
So I accepted his invitation. We walked across the street to his place. And sat down on his couch for a glass of wine.
We sat there enjoying our wine...AKA me enjoying the wine since I had noticed he had only taken 2 sips.
He then started asking me questions (he said he wanted to get to know me better) that started out normal. Like: when was my last relationship, why did we break up, etc.
Then he decided it was appropriate to move forward and ask me questions such as: When did you lose your virginity? Have you ever had a threesome? Would you have a threesome, and if so, would you choose 2 guys/2 girls/or 1 guy and 1 girl?
This was when I realized that this string of highly inappropriate sexual questions were a little too aggressive for my liking (the wine wasn't good enough for this game of 20 questions) so I told him that it was getting late and I better get home since I have to be at work by 7am (an obvious lie).
PM: "But it's only 11?"
Me: "Welp...gotta go."
PM: "Okay, let me make you a lunch then."
Me: "What? Like a packed lunch?"
PM: "Yes."
Then he hops off the couch like some sort of school child who just heard the bell for recess, and scurries into his kitchen. (He was so excited, I imagined him sliding in his socks across the kitchen floor).
In confusion of whether to think he was funny or be scared, I followed him into the kitchen. He was truly making me a sack lunch for the morning, telling me he had never done this for anyone before (I should feel very special) and that it was necessary since I had to wake up so early for work.
He then grabbed a banana (very large in size) and held it up for me to see before putting it into my lunchbag.
PM: "I want you to think of me tomorrow when you are eating this banana."
Due to the size of the banana, I responded, "You're really shootin high there my friend."
At that moment, he turned, looked at me and pulled his pants down to show me his penis.
I stood there looking at his genital region in bewilderment!
Now here I will interject and give you readers my initial concerns:
1) Why is he wearing some sort of elastic top pants, to where he can easily pull down his pants without unbuttoning or unzipping? Was he wearing pajama jeans or cargo pants and I didn't notice?
2) Why was he not wearing any underwear?
Me:"Oh my god, I can't believe you just did that?"
PM: "I kind of can't believe I did either, but I felt like you were challenging me and I'm always up for a good challenge."
I immediately grabbed my purse (and sack lunch), thanked him for his time and dinner and started to walk out his door.
PM: "Wait.."
I turned around and he pulled his pants down for a quick glance a second time and said, "I can make it hard if you want, but I just wanted this to be the last thing you saw before leaving for the night so you will remember me in the morning."
Me: "Wow. Nope. I'm okay." and I quickly walked down his outdoor steps to the street.
He laughed and followed me while yelling that he wanted to be a gentleman and walk me to my car.
Seriously?
So, yes, he walked me to my car across the street at the restaurant. (Keep in mind it was raining that night...the one time of the year for LA...) and before I got into my car he gave me a hug, drastically leaned in to kiss me, and said: "I've always wanted to do the typical movie kiss in the rain."
Due to the look on my face, he realized it was better to let me get into my vehicle and not say another word. I drove away and watched him still standing there in the rain in my rear view mirror.
From this date I learned two important lessons:
1) As much as you may love wine, do not engage in a glass in a mans house that you have only had one dinner with.
2) Never trust a man wearing elastic top pants.
What a creep! This is funny tho. good writing and a good story!
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