Karaoke Man

My friend had her birthday party at a hotel lounge in Beverly Hills. After an interesting night of drama and too much drinking, the birthday girl had to relieve herself to bed and left a bouquet of 100 red roses in the lobby that a man had brought her. I felt they were too beautiful to leave there so I picked them up to take with me and would bring them to her at work in the morning. Now keep in mind that a bouquet of 100 long stemmed roses is about as big as my whole body, so the sight of me walking down the street carrying them must have been humorous. Since my car was parked far away and it was nighttime, I was walking in the middle of the street, not the sidewalk.

Reason for this being: my mother sent me an email when I was 19 and living in Koreatown of Los Angeles about how to "protect" yourself from being a victim of attack. In that email, one of the recommendations was for a woman to walk in the middle of the street instead of the sidewalk when in neighborhoods or quiet streets at night if alone, because you are more visible in street light than the sidewalk. For some reason I've always remembered that and have walked in the middle of the street when alone ever since. 

So here I am, dressed up and walking in the middle of the street fumbling a bouquet of 100 long stemmed red roses. I hear a car slow down behind me and it slows down to the point of following right behind me, even as I had moved to the side for it to pass. The car was following slowly for a solid 2 minutes before I turned around and stopped. A fancy car pulls up beside me and the driver rolls down the window. Out pops a head saying, "Why are you carrying roses that are bigger than you are in the middle of the street?

Me: "Why are you creepily following me?"

KM: "Well it's not everyday you see a woman walking in the middle of the street carrying that many roses. Are those from your boyfriend? If not, what's your name?" He had a friend in the passenger seat who I heard laughing.

I said "Nope, they are a friends and my name is Karli" then turned around to keep walking. He continued to slowly follow behind me in his car. 

His friend leaned over and yelled out the window "Oh you two should go out, the night is young and you both are attractive single people. I'm married, so take it from me: go out and enjoy yourselves while you're young. Don't worry, my friend's harmless, he's a Dr."

Me: "Uh huh..I'm sure he is. He's probably an actor on the side as well."

The car stops and KM gets out and says "what you don't believe I am one?" and goes around to his trunk and laughingly says, "then how would you explain this?" and points to something in his trunk.

I said "I know this trick....this is where you shove me in your trunk and my organs end up sold to the black market in Italy."

He pulls out his MD coat and hospital badges. I looked at them and laughed...you are a ------ Dr. and my ---- are fine, so your services aren't needed." 

KM: "Ha, you little smart ass! Come get a drink with me...or a bite to eat....coffee....dessert.....karaoke? Im dropping my friend off at his car here and then you should follow me to this restaurant a couple blocks up and join me for a beer. Just a beer."

I had arrived at my car, unlocked the door and put the roses in the backseat. 

KM: "At least a beer Karli. Life is short. I dare you!"

He was right. Life is short and life is an adventure. I'm always game for a good dare so I said "Beer it is."

I followed him to a restaurant and parked in the space next to him. He held out his hand without saying a word and walked with me up to the entrance. He asked the hostess to seat us in the "private room" and she nodded while escorting us to the back. I was very confused as to what the "private room" was...

We walked into a dimly lit room with a leather couch, table and TV on the wall. I thought....Oh gawd, porn is going to start playing or something?

Then he sits me down on the couch and hands me and book. I started to laugh and opened it up a little scared....and then realized its a book of songs. Then all of a sudden he clicked a remote and a Green Day song came on and he started belting out the words.

I was dying....clearly he has been here before, and this was not a joke to him. After he sang that song with much enthusiasm, he turned and said to me  "I'm pretty good huh?"

Then he got up, left our "private room" and came back with two beers.

He sat down and asked which song I had chosen to sing...."Umm, I'm not sure, there's so many to choose from and my vocals don't compare to yours."

KM: "Oh, don't be shy, I know i'm good but you gotta just put yourself out there!"

Then he put on a KC & JoJo song and turned to me while he sang it, hand movements and all...then he jumped up on the couch and sang to me as if he was an American Idol contestant. I was laughing so hard my stomach started to hurt. The best part was that he was not kidding....he was serious, and looked borderline offended by my laughter. 

After he sang numerous songs (with me awkwardly singing his backup vocals) we decided to leave and walked back to our cars. He told me how much fun he had and leaned me against his car to kiss me. He told me I was beautiful and he felt lucky to have been driving down the street when he did. He asked if he could see me again and then said "I sing in karaoke contests...I usually win...next time you'll have to come and we can duet."

The look on his face was completely serious, not being funny or sarcastic. I awkwardly said "Sure, maybe, i'll try and warm up my vocals for next time."

Not realizing my sarcasm he said "Thatta girl" and gave me a thumbs up as I drove away.

I got home and my friend called me and said, "I never got to say goodbye to you after the party. Did you just go home after?"

Me: "Umm...actually I went to karaoke."

Friend: "What? With who!"

Me: "With a random man I met in the street."

Friend: "Are you serious or kidding?"

Me: "Not kidding. And he got really into it. Like scary into it. He's in contests...it's serious."

At the end of the conversation she said: "So you met a random man in the middle of the street, followed him to a restaurant, let him take you into a dark back room, watched him sing you songs while jumping around on couches, and then you went home."

Me: "Exactly.....but he dared me to."

Elevator Man

It was my friends birthday and a group of us went to dinner at a rooftop restaurant downtown. Now to describe the group of individuals I was with, let's just say that many of them I had met for the first time at this restaurant, and they were typical LA women: beautiful, hair and makeup to a  "T",  the highest of high heels and shortest of dresses. I walked in holding birthday cupcakes, and took the elevator to the rooftop. A man was amongst me in the elevator and I hear him say, "You're here for a birthday party I take it?"

Me: "No i'm carrying birthday cupcakes for the hell of it."

He cocked his head to one side and stared at me before halfway smiling.

Note to self: stop being such a smart ass....for some reason these days it comes way too naturally. I've been through so much bullshit that I tend to say out loud what i'm thinking in my head.

Now to give readers an idea of this man from first impression, he was in business work attire, well groomed, very handsome, and clearly a young professional. He had a great smile and perfect teeth. 

The elevator came to a stop, I wished him a good night and found my way to the birthday table. 

I sat there drinking champagne while chatting with new faces and found myself realizing that no matter how long i've been in this city I could never conform to to the lifestyle of these women sitting before me. Through the superficial conversation of who's boyfriend was cheating on who, I was snapped out of my daydream by one of the girls snapping her fingers in the air to the waiter for assistance. I quickly looked around MORTIFIED to see if anyone else was noticing this highly unnecessary act. No one seemed to care or find it to be of any concern to them. I cowardly put my head down, as if to hide once the waiter came over, feeling guilty by association. The waiter asked what she needed and she said (and I am not kidding you) "We'll take another bottle of champagne on the house, I know $%@&* and he said it was fine." The waiter stood there and said he'd have to check, and she said "go ahead."

Once the waiter walked away I couldn't help myself so I said said very sarcastically "WOW you're a really good snapper. Who's name did you just give the waiter? 

"One of the owners...we used to sleep together, so he owes me."

I sat there staring at her in bewilderment as she then grabbed her glass and took a drink as if this was a normal conversation. I then realized as I looked around the table that I did not belong here at this table. Every purse was a Louis Vuitton and every heel had a red back showcasing their choice purchase of Christian Louboutin's. I will never compare to the physical sex appeal of these women before me, nor would I care or choose to. The only time you'll find me spending that type of money is on traveling or antique books....especially books. (Which I just realized, that may be why i'm single...dammit.) 

A few minutes later after our "house" bottle arrived and we toasted to a birthday sip, my solo gaze over the city lights was interrupted by the sound of a man's voice asking who the birthday girl was. I turned and saw the suited man from the elevator standing at the head of our table with a scotch in hand. All the ladies turned very excitedly to the good looking man before us and pointed to my friend. He then raised his glass and said he'd like to buy the birthday girl a drink to celebrate. All the ladies blushed and sat in awe. The "snap" lady across from me clearly was interested and aroused by this man's bravery of confronting our table, so she said him and his friends should join us after to our next location. I started to tune the conversation out, knowing this man would be her next victim, and why wouldn't he oblige, I mean just look at her! I resumed my focus on the city lights below me until I heard:

EM: "Beside getting the birthday girl a drink I was actually coming over to get this young ladies number."

Due to dead silence, I looked up and realized everyone was staring at me. He stood there with a grin on his face and the silence was broken as 'snap lady' said out loud while pointing to me, "Her? Karli?"

He said "Yes, I will not be leaving until I receive this beautiful ladies number."

I was in shock....me? Is he nuts! 'Snap lady' was pissed as my friend cheered and yelled out loud my number. The man came over and grabbed my hand, kissed it and said "nice to meet you Karli" before walking away. The girls were in an uproar and laughingly enjoyed that moment of "Mr. Suave". They made me promise to go out with him once he asked. We left the restaurant...both me and 'snap lady' wildly confused.

Three days later EM had asked me to meet him downtown for lunch. He greeted me at the front of the restaurant, suited up and looking handsome. We walked up to the counter to order and the hostess said "Will this be together or separate?" and before I could even say anything, he quickly yelled "Separate"

My eyes opened wide and I nodded while handing over my card for my order.....well this is an interesting start to a lunch "date". We then sat down outside with our sandwiches very awkwardly. He then said "So...Karli. Tell me about yourself!"

We engaged in typical conversation and it was going normally well until out of the blue he said "So what's your deepest fantasy?"

Me: "Um. Like sexual fantasy?"

EM: "Of course."

I was shocked and partly scared by his confidence in his question. 

I was unprepared to answer this.

Me: "I don't know....you?"

EM: "I really like leather...and I recently went to an art show where the artist used leather and latex art pieces in the form of human sex symbols. It was very interesting and got me thinking that i'd like to play in the bedroom with leather and latex."

I swallowed very loudly and stared at him smiling in his business suit. This was taking an unexpected turn...I thought he must be messing with me, he's got to be kidding...

EM: "Do you think you'd be into that? How do you feel? It could be something fun for us to try?"

He was definitely not joking.

I continued to eat my sandwich while staring at him. I felt out of my comfort zone with this conversation being the first "non-date" and all. So I said "Welp...it could be interesting I guess and I'd love to hear all about your latex/leather sex-capades one day after you have them."

He seemed confused by my bold response and laughed. "Don't be ashamed of your inner wants and desires. It's okay to express yourself and your womanly needs, even to a new acquaintance. It's something we can explore together. You are a beautiful woman. You're body is sexy and the way you carry yourself is intimidating for a man. I think we can and should explore our fantasies together."

I attempted to hide my astonished face. Men never cease to confuse/amaze me.

I ended up smiling at him while I wrapped up the second half of my sandwich in the to-go foil the waitress brought and put my purse over my shoulder to show my need to leave. He looked let down that my response wasn't in agreeance with his "50 Shades of Grey" offer. He slowly wrapped the second half of his lunch as well, stood up and put his sunglasses on. He walked me to the corner, gave me a hug and said. "Let's explore life together Karli. Don't be afraid. I don't bite in public...only in the bedroom." Then he grabbed my face and aggressively kissed me...using way too much tongue than necessary. He bit my lip and kissed me one last time before saying he hoped to see me soon.

I walked away and thought "What the $%@* just happened!?" 

Two days later I received a text message from EM that read: "I'll have the leather if you bring the wine...."

You're Welcome 2015...

Welp...Here we go again. Back in action. Due to the surprising amount of emails I received of women (and men) telling me I better get back to writing of my life's unfortunate events, I realized that people find enjoyment from the posts as much as I enjoy writing them. There is something uplifting and cleansing about writing down and sharing with the world my unbelievable situations.

This January of 2015 will be my second year anniversary living in LA.

Let's do a recap of major events shall we:

1) The first two weeks of living in the city I was kidnapped by Italians and held against my will in an empty apartment until I escaped running through downtown alleyways barefoot and bleeding.

2) I moved into an apartment downtown and was forced out due to gang member children turning my living situation into a Lifetime movie.

3) I decided to go on 50 dates in 50 days.

4) I fell in love and out of love.


Yes, these are true stories.


So here we are 2015. Let the 50 in 50 games begin.


Oh, and Tinder..........you're welcome.

Frozen Man

One of my best friends in LA was in a wonderful theatre play, so of course I went opening night to support her. To my dismay there was an extremely handsome man acting beside her in the play. The performance was over and my friend told me that we would be joining the cast to the bar downstairs for a celebratory opening night drink. Due to never being able to turn down a good time, I accepted. We made our way into the dive bar downstairs from the theatre and my friend introduced me to the cast members. 

Now keep in mind, I had been in contact with Trojan Man (past date...read blog if you haven't) and he had wanted to meet up for a drink, but I told him I was seeing a play and to meet me after. Since I knew I would be at the bar near the theatre, I had invited Trojan Man there for a drink. Now it was not looking like the best idea since I was introduced to the handsome cast member and was secretly determined to make him my next date...

Trojan Man showed up, I introduced him to my new friends and he immediately fit right in and started talking football with my future date. I thought...shit, now they're friends, of course that would happen! 

We all sat and enjoyed ourselves, took celebratory lemon-drop shots (that handsome man kept buying for everyone...a little girly but a nice gesture). Then Trojan Man said he had to end the night short since he had to see a client early in the morning. Him and handsome man did a bro hug (new besties) and I walked him to his car. He told me how much fun he had meeting my new friends and thanked me for inviting him out. He asked if we could see a movie later in the week. I told him yes, and that i'd call him. He gave me a hug and an unexpected kiss. I felt a feeling of guilt, hung my head and walked back into the bar. I told myself that there was no reason to feel guilty, I was not exclusively with Trojan Man...

I walked back into the bar and took a seat on a barstool. My friend walked over with handsome man and he took the barstool beside me. 

FM: "So...was that your boyfriend?"

Me: "No."

FM: "He'd like to be though."

Me: "What makes you think that?"

FM: "I'm a guy. I know."

I shrugged my shoulders and ordered a beer. My friend came over and said, "I'm so glad you two have met. Karli, did you know that he is an amazing Disney singer!"

Me: "What!?"

My Friend: "He literally knows every Disney movie princess song!"

Me: "Are you serious?"

I turn to look at him and he busts out "Let it go, let it go, can't hold it back anymore, let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door, I don't care what their going to say, let the storm rage on, the cold never bothered me anyway."

My friend sat there laughing and said "see I told you!"

I sat there in bewilderment...what just happened? 

I clapped my hands and asked what song that was from. He said "Frozen. You've never seen it?"

Me: "No."

FM: "It's my favorite movie."

Me: "Wow. Looks like I need to see it then."

FM: "I own it."

Me: "I love that you are admitting to that."

FM: "It's a great movie."

After a couple more shots, the three of us were singing the Frozen lyrics out loud on our bar stools. My friend went off to talk to others and the two of us sat there staring at each other. He had beautiful green eyes....I was borderline in love.

FM: "So if that's not your boyfriend, why are you single?"

Me: "Are you single?"

FM: "Yes."

Me: "Ok, then why are you single?"

FM: "I asked you first."

Me: "I haven't found anyone cool enough to be with yet."

FM: "I guess I haven't either."

We drank our beer and did one of those awkward movie stare moments. He made me nervous. 
I'm never nervous... 

FM: "What if I wanted to hang out with you?"

Me: "Then you'd have to ask me on a date."

FM: "Really?"

Me: "Yes, if you want to hang out with me then you have to ask me on an official date."

FM: "Well then. What if I didn't want to ask you on a date?"

Me: "Then you won't hang out with me."

FM: "Karli. 

Me: "Yes.

FM: "Will you go one a date with me?"

Me: "Ummmmmmmmmm......ok."

FM: "You are definitely Anna."

Me: "Anna who?"

FM: "From Frozen."

Me: "I don't know what that means."

FM: "You will."

Cat Man

One night (after multiple conversations) I agreed to a dinner date with CM. We sat at dinner and talked about everything under the sun. The level of comfortability we shared was a bit odd, since I found myself eating off his plate with my fork without even a second thought. After dinner he asked if he could see me a few days later for a movie. I agreed. Days later, he picked me up for a movie. Both nights with this man were delightful. Over the span of that week, we got closer in a friend way. I learned that he loves the outdoors, loves to camp, loves dogs, etc. 

Me: "Could've fooled me...I thought you were a cat guy."

CM: "Karli...I hate cats."

Now I am going to jump forward to two days after this comment of hating cats. CM called me and I did not answer due to being busy with dry-heaving/throwing up...not to mention crying. I am quite the opposite of an emotional human, but for some reason when I am sick I decide it is necessary and socially acceptable to cry. He called me an additional time, so I texted him and said "Can't talk...Sick."

My response resulted in CM calling two more times, so I attempted to disguise my pathetic condition and answered. 

CM: "What's wrong."

Me: "I'm vomiting."

CM: "Let me take you to the hospital."

Me. "Absolutely not."

CM: "Why are you so stubborn?"

Me: "I hate hospitals. I'll be fine."

CM: "Are you crying?"

Me: "Of course not. Don't be silly. I have to go."

I curled back onto my bed in fetus position like a small child and attempted to fall asleep.

Fifteen minutes later CM texted me: "Come open your gate, I'm outside."

I thought...well shit...I'm in (very unattractive) pj's and mascara is running down my face. 

I walked out to my front gate in a robe and slippers and saw CM standing there.

CM: "I came to rub your back until you fell asleep."

Me: "Are you serious?"

CM came in, wiped my tears, put a trash can next to my bed, rubbed my back and told me stories until I fell asleep. I only awoke from his kiss on my forehead which followed by the sound of my door shutting as he left. 

Minutes after he left I look at my phone and realize CM called me twice in a row. I figured something was wrong so I called him back. He answered with a panicked/frightened voice. 

CM: "Karli, remember that stray cat that was outside your building when I came?"

Me: "Ya, that cat tries to sneak into my building."

CM: "Well, it followed me to my car and jumped in once I opened my door...and it won't get out. What do I do!?"

Me: "I don't know. I don't like cats."

CM: "Thanks a lot! Karli, I just came to take care of the sick and this is my repayment? I don't like cats either, I don't want to touch it!"

Me: "Ha, thank you for taking care of the sick. But cats cross the line for me. Just shoo it out of your car. You're amazing. Goodnight."

I hung up and went to bed. The next morning I called CM to thank him again for being so considerate of me. 

Me: "So what happened with the cat?"

CM: "It wouldn't get out of my car, so I drove it home with me. Then it followed me to my front door and into my house. You're not going to believe this but it laid next to my head and cuddled me all night. It's the nicest animal, so I've decided to be a good person and find it a good home."

Days later after putting up missing cat posters, taking the cat to the vet and calling shelters with no luck...CM decided to keep her. 

CM: "I go to your rescue, try to play the hero, and end up with a damn cat. Was this your plan?"

Me: "No, usually I let men leave with a dog, but you seemed like a cat guy."

CM: "You're not funny."

Dog Man

I met up with a man for drinks downtown one night during the week. When I arrived he was already sitting in the corner with a drink. I walked over and gave him a hug and sat down. He asked if I was going to get a drink, so I awkwardly went to the bar to get myself one. I returned and we sat there making small talk. He talked about his job. Due to the intensity and high security of his profession (I cannot say what he does...) I enjoyed hearing about his work. He talked about how hard it is to get out and meet someone when you're a workaholic. I agreed. He was tall, good looking, charming, successful. We laughed at the intoxicated man doing karaoke in the bar corner to himself. All in all, it was turning into a good date for once. Our drinks were done and we decided to call it a night. I heard from him a few days later asking if he could take me to dinner. I accepted. We went to a nice restaurant and had a great time. He talked about his family and how the older he gets, the more pressure he receives to settle down. 

DM: "A lot of my friends are married."

Me: "Mine too. I'm about to star in 27 Dresses Part II"

DM: "Huh?"

Me: "It's a movie...nevermind."

DM: "I believe that one really never needs to get married. My friends are with their girlfriends for just over a year and then propose. That's ridiculous. For one, you should definitely be with someone 5-10 years before proposing, and two, there's nothing wrong with just being together and not going through with the whole wedding and marriage thing."

Me: "Wow. Looks like you have it all figured out."

DM: "Don't you agree?"
Me: "Actually, I don't."

Awkward silence.....

Me: "I think marriage is a beautiful thing. But yes, finding someone to spend your life with is not something to take lightly."

DM: "So you really think you'll be with someone for the rest of your life?"

Me: "Yes."

He stared at me for a long period of time and then the waitress interrupted his stare to ask if we needed anything. We both quickly ordered another drink and changed the subject.

DM: "Have you been to the whiskey bar downtown?"

Me: "Yes. I like that place."

DM: "I've never been so let's go!"

We entered the upstairs whiskey bar. He ordered us both a beer, I ordered us both a shot of Jameson.....clearly we have different ideas of what to order in a whiskey bar.

We found a spot to sit in the back of the bar and talked. I could tell that the drinks from dinner and his Jameson shot was starting to hit him. The alcohol must have made his masculinity intensify because all of a sudden he started acting as my protector. Grabbing my hand to lead me through the bar and eyeing down anyone who even glanced my way. I found it kinda funny. I felt like I was back in high school when your boyfriend acts tough to other guys at the party so that they know you're off limits. He was clearly feeling invincible because he ordered us two more Jameson shots.  

A man walked up to me and said, "You have an amazing ass!"

DM jumped up off his bar stool and said, "What the hell did you just say to her?"

Random bar man: "You heard me."

DM: "You better back up." 

DM got inches away from the random mans face. Due to the height of DM, the bar man was overpowered so he walked away. 

I giggled to myself, told DM I appreciated his unnecessary warrior-like actions, and that I had to use the restroom. As I come back to the spot I left DM at I realized he was nowhere to be found. You've got to be kidding. DM has officially left me.

Two minutes later I receive a call from DM.

DM: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Umm, I'm in the bar you left me at. What are you doing?"

DM: "I know, I'm outside and for some reason I thought you were with me!"

He laughs as he hangs up. 

Oh great I thought, my date is wasted!

I walked outside and saw DM running in the middle of the street. I yelled his name and he stopped and turned around. 

Me: "Get out of the street you idiot, you're going to get killed!"

DM: "But I have to get the dog!"

Me: "What dog!?"

I ran to the corner and see a little dog dodging in and out of vehicles. DM was drunkenly trying to save the dog. I watched in horror as DM attempted to stop downtown LA traffic for our furry friend. Since my alcohol tolerance clearly exceeds DM's, I concluded that I would be the one having to save them both. I pulled DM's hand out of the street onto the sidewalk and we both ran after the dog. We finally caught up to the canine and DM swoops him up into his arms. He looks over at me and winks. 

We walked with the street dog in his arms until we came to a corner that must have been familiar to the animal since it leaped out of DM's arms and sprinted down the street and up an alley of an apartment complex.

DM: "Aw, he must have found his home."

Me: "Welp, at least you saved him from the street."

DM: "Are you turned on seeing my act of bravery?"

Me: "Ha...i'm actually currently trying to catch my breath still."

Note to self....work out more.

DM: "Well...believe it or not we are right by my place. Want to come up?"

Me: "Looks like you creatively directed our rescue escapade towards your place."

I looked up and saw his fancy building (one of which is extremely over my ideal living expense and I had always wondered what it looked like inside) so I was tempted, but I saw him swaying back and forth with too much of an eager and hopeful grin on his face.

Me: "Looks like Jameson has done you a body good, so I'm going to hail a cab. But I'll look forward to a future animal rescue with you."

He laughed and stood there staring at me as if I was kidding. After he realized I was serious and he wasn't going to get a night cap with me, I could tell he was offended and confused. Eventually, he gave me a side hug goodbye and walked inside his building.

......I never heard from DM again.

Highwaters Man

I received a message from a young man asking if we could play a game to get to know one another better. Due to his excitement in the email, I figured I might as well respond yes. The game was that he was to say two terms and my answer had to be one of them. 

He started the game....

HM: "Camping or hiking?"

Me: "Camping" 

HM: "Dogs or cats?"

Me: "Dogs"

HM: "Lingerie or onsie?"

Me: "Onsie"

HM: "You had me at onsie....can I take you out?"

Me: "Sure."

So this man proceeded to text me and ask if i'd like to go to a Lakers game at the end of the week. Two days later he called and asked if he could take me to lunch so that we could meet before the game. I could not leave work for lunch since this mans ideal time for lunch eating was 3:00pm, but I said I'd be ready for the game and off work at 7pm.

HM: "Great, how about I pick you up on my way to the game since you are downtown and it's on my way to the Staples Center.....and dress casual...wear Lakers gear if you have it."

Me: "Okay...but I do not have Lakers gear. I'm more of a Warriors fan...but i'll dress casual."

Due to the hesitation in his voice, I could tell that he was not happy that I was a Golden State fan, so I figured it will most likely be an entertaining date.

Entertaining is an EXTREME understatement........

He picks me up. I notice the car is a rental. (The reason I know this is because my ex from college taught me that cars with bar code stickers on the side window are rentals). 

I get in the car and realize that the man sitting behind the wheel looked all of about 15. He was not very attractive (again, I'm next to a man that decides to show photos of himself that are completely inaccurate) but he had nice eyes and curly blonde hair, so I figured why not.

Me: "Nice rental car."

HM: "That's weird you know it's a rental..but thanks. I travel a lot for work so I use rentals."

He seemed offended I knew it was a rental. We arrive to the staples center and he asks if I have money for the parking. I very awkwardly tell him that I do not have any cash on me. (This date was not starting out well...)

We walked to the Staples center and I look down and realize that his jeans stop about 6 inches above his shoe-line. I laughed to myself because I wanted to remind him that we were going to a basketball game, not watching 'Noah' so he didn't need to come prepared for a flood.....but I figured it was too soon for jokes. 

We got into the game, and on the way to our seats I felt a rush to the head of nausea. I got dizzy and broke out into a cold sweat. My face must have turned white, because once we sat down he turned to look at me and asked if I was okay.

Me: "I'm not feeling very well."

HM: "Why did you come on a date if you didn't feel well then?"

Clearly...he was a really nice person....

Me: "I have a weak immune system, so sometimes I get sick. It comes on suddenly, and there's nothing I can do about it."

HM: "Well, i'm sure it's nothing a beer won't fix."

He then got up to go get us a beer....what a gentleman...

He comes back. I'm feeling worse, so I take one sip of the beer, give him a sarcastic thumbs up and tell him I need to excuse myself to the restroom. I proceeded to the restroom where I threw up...pulled myself together...and went back to my seat. 

We sat there in an awkward silence, and I pretended to actually care about the game I was watching in order to not engage in conversation with the man next to me. I glance over and see him 'Tindering' on his phone. 

Me: "Any good ones?"

He got embarrassed and switched over to Facebook on his phone instead. He proceeded to look up my name while sitting next to me. He typed my name in as Carly Kaufmann. Thankfully for me a larger blonde haired woman in her 40s popped up. I said, "That's me!"

HM: "That's obviously not you...am I spelling your name wrong?"

Me: "No, you have the correct spelling, I just don't have a Facebook."

HM: "Everyone has a Facebook."

Me: "Not me. But do you mind me asking how old you are?"

HM: "23."

Me: "Wow. You told me you were a lot older than that.

HM: "Yeah. I lied. And you really took me serious with the casual dressing."

...I looked down to my black shirt, jeans, and boots on. 

Me: "Did you want me to wear heels to a basketball game?"

He shrugged his shoulders and put his phone back into his pocket, then sat there telling me how he didn't expect me to be so quiet. I told him that I'm usually not, but I wasn't feeling well, and apologized for not being more enthusiastic. I watched the time on the game clock go by wishing it would be the 4th quarter already. He then perks up and says......

"So....you currently dating any black guys?"

Now here I will interject with my initial thoughts:

1) How the hell did he find that appropriate to ask?

2) If I was currently dating someone, why would I be on a date?

I made an obvious gesture of looking around the stadium (at the Lakers vs. Knicks game) and motioned my hands to the African-American gentlemen sitting in front of us and said, "No, I am not currently dating any black guys, but I find that question to be inappropriate and quite frankly, due to how you asked it, very offensive."

He then looked around at the individuals sitting near us and responded,"I don't care....our people have been through enough."

Me: "Our people?"

HM: "Yeah. The Jews."

In shock to his statement, I half giggled and said, "Oh! Umm....I'm not Jewish?"

He then turned in his seat towards me and said in confusion, "You're not Jewish? But, your last name is Kauffman, and that's a very Jewish last name?!"

Me: "It's also a German last name....I'm German!"

He then slowly turned back forward in his seat. Slouched down. Pulled out his necklace from underneath his shirt to display, and crossed his arms.

...It was a gold Star of David necklace.

I sat there staring at him with my eyes and mouth wide open. I could not believe it. I didn't know whether to laugh or throw up. I turned back in my seat and sat there half bewildered/half scared. I then hear him muffle under his breath, "makes sense."

I turn to him and say, "what makes sense!?"

HM: "Well, you're not a real woman anyways."

Me: "Now why the hell do you think I'm not a real woman!?"

HM: "Because you came on a date without your nails done."

Now here I will interject again.....

1) My inner voice was screaming, WHAT THE @&%!

2) He clearly took me on a date only because he thought I was Jewish, and now he's upset finding out that I'm not, so he now finds it appropriate to attack my femininity.

Me: "Interesting. Okay. I'm glad you came to that conclusion after having one conversation with me."

We sat there in silence and I looked down at my nails and chuckled. I thought back to when I was younger and I used to always have dirt under my nails after riding my horse and picking his hooves. I laughed because my inner thought was....well at least theres no dirt under them! And what is this fascination in LA with nails anyways!? I always hear girls in LA talking about getting their damn nails done, and this was not the first time a man has mentioned my nails on a date. So clearly, men are used to having a woman with newly polished nails here, and kill me if I'd rather fill my day with doing things that enhance my intelligence than getting my nails done.

At this point I am only continuing sitting at this game for blog-writing purposes only. He was a complete moron and I had never been on a more awful date in my life. After a drastically long moment of silence I couldn't take it any more so I said, "I think I better go. Don't worry about giving me a ride back, i'll take a cab."

HM: "No, no, that's unnecessary, i'll take you home. It's the 3rd quarter, we are ahead. I bet on this game, and I've won, so we can go."

....of course he did.

So we walk back to his car. As we start our drive back (I told him to drop me off on a street..not my house). 

HM: "Can you reach into the back seat and hand me my backpack please."

I thought...oh great, he's going to kill me. I was imagining my escape plan and the movie-style roll I would do out the car door onto the street. I then began to wonder....how many stitches would I need? How would I explain to friends in my hospital room that I had to dodge a moving vehicle due to seeing a backpack full of rope and duct tape?

....clearly this is how my mind wanders...my imagination has yet to fail me!

He then opens his backpack and instead I see a bag of marijuana and condoms. Almost as bad as rope and tape...so I still considered my movie roll-out.

HM: "Do you want some weed for your stomach since you aren't feeling well?"

Me: "No thank you. I'm okay."

He shrugged his shoulders and finally pulled up to the street. He stopped the car and turned to me to give me a hug goodbye. As I reached in to give him a complimentary hug, he kissed me. I jumped back in my seat and opened my door.

HM: "Just relax."

Me: "Relax!? Are you serious? No. thank you for your time, but I have to go."

HM: "Well you're the one that ruined this date since you showed up sick."

I got out of the car and started walking down the street. He got out as well and yelled, "Hey, I need my Lakers towel form the game!"

I turned around and threw him both of the Lakers towels we had received when we entered the game. 

Me: "You can have mine while you're at it."

HM: "Well, I'll hit you up tomorrow. I'd be willing to give you another chance, because I find you sexy."

I gave him another sarcastic thumbs up, turned around and walked away. I then hid around the corner of a building until he drove out of sight before I walked home. 

I walked home initially mad, but then started laughing out loud to myself. How do I get myself in these situations? How do men like this even exist? If this is what's in LA I will just have to adopt children on my own like Angelina Jolie and wait for my Brad later in life. I'm fine with that.

I walked into my house with one last thought:

I need to start acting on my initial red flags for men....aka him having highwaters.

Trojan Man

I had attended a birthday party with friends one night and we started chatting with a group of guys at the party. One man in particular fancied me and insisted I give him my name, so I told him my name was Sara. 

I have this weird habit of giving fake names to guys I meet (which I started in college) if I am not initially attracted to them. I started doing this so that if a man texts me the next day saying "It was nice meeting you Alicia" then no matter how hazy I was from the night before, I at least know I wasn't interested in the guy. If a man calls me by my real name, then I know I must have enjoyed him at the bar/party. I always found this to be very smart of me, and in all my years of parties/bar encounters, it's only failed me a few times.

An hour into the party, I was dancing with friends and felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see TM. He leaned in and said, "I thought you said your name was Sara? But I heard your friend asking Karli if she'd want a beer!"

Me: "I must have forgotten to give her the memo."

TM: "You're funny." 

Me: "You caught me."

I then turned around and continued dancing with my friends. After seeing the horrified look on my friends face of something behind me, I turn around and see TM doing the "sprinkler" dance move with unnecessary intensity. He continued to do 80's style dance moves while pointing at me. I am not one to ever get embarrassed, but somehow I was. 

Me: "Please stop doing that."

TM: "I will if you give me your number...your real number."

Me: "Fine."

Two days later TM asked me to go to a venue with him to see a small concert. I actually enjoyed the underground band he invited me to, so I said why not. I met him there and stood outside waiting for him. A man started walking closer to me, waving his hands. I literally looked behind me, because the man approaching me was a lot better looking and better dressed than I remembered. I stood there confused when he gave me a hug and opened the door for me to go inside.

We ended up having a really good time. Listened to good music, laughed, drank beer. In a weird way, I didn't want the night to end because I hadn't remembered the last time I had actually enjoyed a date as much as this one.

We called it a night and he called me a cab home. We agreed that we would see each other again.

A week after attempting to get together, we finally did, and I had him meet me at my favorite spot downtown. He walked in wearing jeans and a flannel....needless to say I just about fell in love. We ordered a drink and he looked around and said, "I feel very under-dressed for this place."

Me: "Ya, it's normally not this kind of crowd, but tonight it is looking a bit fancy."

TM: "You wanna get out of here and find a dive bar?"

Me: "Absolutely. I know of an irish pub around the corner."

We walked into the pub, and I was relieved to know that he felt more at home in this grungy pub just as I did. He got us two beers, and we found a small table in the corner of the bar. 

He turned to me and asked me a question, and just as I was about to answer, he quickly leaned in, grabbed my face and kissed me. After we kissed, I started laughing (of course) and said, "well that was unexpected."

TM: "That was the point. I figured I'd ask you a question and then go in for the kill mid-answer. I really just wanted to get that first kiss out of the way."

Me: "Well at least your honest."

We continued to talk, laugh, drink another beer, and made friends with the people sitting next to us. As he was telling me a story from his past in the South, I found myself wondering how I did not see any of his traits I was admiring at the birthday party? While continuing his story he reached into his pocket to grab his phone, and I snapped out of my daydream, when I saw something else fall out of his pocket. I reached down to pick up the object, and stopped half way once I realized what was on the floor. I looked back up at him, he looked down and we both sat there for a second looking at the Trojan condoms on the floor, not one, but two of them.

He snapped down and picked them up and put them both in his pocket. He sat there and looked at me in silence. From the look on his face, you would've thought that I had caught him killing a small animal. He was mortified and I was afraid he was going to cry. 

Since I am a master of turning awkward situations into parties, I laughed and said, "Do you always carry 2 Trojans in your pocket?"

I could tell from the mortified look on his face, that it was too soon to joke, so instead I said, "Alright, I think this calls for a shot of Jameson. After all, we are in an Irish bar." I went to the bar and brought back two shots of Jameson. He looked relieved, smiled, and took his shot.

TM: "Thank you Sara."

Me: "You're welcome Trojan man."

TM: "I'd rather be safe than sorry. A man can dream can't he?'

Me: "I appreciate your safety measures, but in that category you will continue to be a dreamer my friend."

He laughed, shrugged his shoulders, apologized, then said he'd need one more shot.

He brought back two and asked if he just ruined his chances of seeing me again. 

Me: "You can see me again as long as you promise me four things."

TM: "Anything."

Me: "Do not flash me your penis, have me meet your parents, drive me in your car, or let any more condoms fall out of your pocket."

TM: "I promise.....but those are strangely funny requests."

Me: "You have no idea."

Jungle Man

One of my photos on my online profile is very deceiving because it looks like I am in a tropical setting drinking from a water bottle while possibly sitting in a tree. This photo was chosen to put up because my friend thought I looked adventurous, and men like adventure. The reason the photo is deceiving is because I am actually sitting in the lawn of a random house in Connecticut making a pit stop to drink vodka with my friend before continuing our walk to the downtown West Hartford bar in summer of 2011. This "tropical adventure" photo is actually of me chasing the vodka with a flavored sparkling water, while holding onto the bush near me for stabilization. 

Clearly the photo was a hit, since I got a response from a man asking what country I was in with my last photo on my profile and what was I doing in a tree? I responded that I was in the country of Connecticut and I was holding onto a tree due to unspecified reasons. Needless to say, we hit it off with my jungle inspired photo. He then spoke of all his (actual) journeys to other countries and I told him to upload some photos onto his site so I could see "all these trips" he spoke of. To my surprise he did, and he was telling the truth. He asked me what my real hair color was since one of my photos is me with brown and one is me blonde. I told him brown.

JM: "I'd like to take you to dinner, but only if you dye your hair back blonde."

Me: "I'll accept your dinner offer if you grow some hair." .......since in his pictures he looked like some sort of replica of Jason Statham.

JM: "Touche. Dinner it is."

JM asked to pick me up for dinner instead of meeting me there. He claimed he was a bit old fashioned, and wanted to respectfully pick me up for this date. Since I do not let anyone know where I live, I had him pick me up at a location close to where I was. My boss told me to write down his license plate and text it to her....I told her she was silly, but form the serious look on her face, I told her I would. JM told me he'd put his flashers on so I knew which car was his. I walked out and saw a black car with flashers on. I glanced at the license plate to see that the car was brand new and didn't have one yet. I giggled to myself as I got in the car. 

He gave me a hug then sat there and stared at me for a while: "wow".

Me: "Wow what?"

JM: "Nothing."

Jm looked nervous. I tried to not make things awkward so I commented on his new car. He said that he had just bought it 2 weeks prior. 

JM: "Were you looking at my license plate before getting in the car?"

Me: "Yes."

JM: "Why?"

Me: "So I could text it to my boss."

JM chuckled, "why would you need to do that?"

Me: "In case you killed me or something. Then she'd at least have your name and license plate number."

He started laughing and said he appreciated my safety measures, and that he'd just have to wait to kill me when he had his license plate number....I agreed.

He had chosen a newer restaurant that was downtown and asked me if I knew exactly where it was. Since it was newer I did not, but I knew the street it was on so I told him how to get to that street downtown. As we talked and he drove, I could feel him looking at me from the corner of my eye, and as much as I enjoy eye contact when in conversation, I was starting to get a bit worried that he was not watching the road. I started to see his car veer to the right headed towards parked cars.

In a calm voice I said, "Umm, you're going to hit those cars."

"Oh shit!" he said under his breath and veered back into his lane. 

JM: "I'm so sorry Karli, I was trying to read the street sign."

(There wasn't any street signs.) 

As cars honked at us, he seemed to disregard them and continue driving as if nothing had happened.

He then (clearly disheveled) made a left hand turn down a street.

Me: "This is a one way!!!"

My incompetent driver then quickly flipped a U-turn and sped down the street the right way. At this moment, a bus that he had cut off slammed on its breaks and skid sideways over two lanes. The bus slammed on its horn and stopped dead in the street. I watched all of this through his back windshield. 

I turned back around in my seat. Took a deep breath and asked him to pull over and park. 

Me: "How about we walk."

We started walking to the restaurant in silence, clearly both realizing that we almost had a head on collision with a bus. His new car and our lives would've been gone.

As we were seated and ordered food, he grabbed both my hands and said, "I'm so sorry Karli. I swear I'm a good driver. I've just never really been downtown and truly don't know my way around."

Me: "It's ok, worst things have happened to me on dates. At least we are alive."

JM: "And to be honest...I couldn't keep my eyes off you. You are better looking than I expected. When you walked up to my car in your dress and heels I thought it must have been a joke."

Normally I would find this type of comment to be dramatic, but he had such an honest, almost innocent tone in his voice, so I was flattered and semi-blushed.

JM: "Wait...so you've had worst things happen to you on a date?"

Me: "I had a man flash me his penis on the first date...twice."

JM: "I promise I won't do that. And if it makes you feel any better, I went on a date recently where the girl told me that she had a secret power of being able to talk to ghosts."

Me: "At least you know who to call if you need a ghost buster."

We both started laughing hysterically. 

I could tell he was hesitant to order a drink due to his already impaired driving, so I ordered us two glasses of Prosecco, and told him we might as well toast to being alive.

JM: "I like your style Karli...."So tell me more about this jungle photo?"