Karaoke Man

My friend had her birthday party at a hotel lounge in Beverly Hills. After an interesting night of drama and too much drinking, the birthday girl had to relieve herself to bed and left a bouquet of 100 red roses in the lobby that a man had brought her. I felt they were too beautiful to leave there so I picked them up to take with me and would bring them to her at work in the morning. Now keep in mind that a bouquet of 100 long stemmed roses is about as big as my whole body, so the sight of me walking down the street carrying them must have been humorous. Since my car was parked far away and it was nighttime, I was walking in the middle of the street, not the sidewalk.

Reason for this being: my mother sent me an email when I was 19 and living in Koreatown of Los Angeles about how to "protect" yourself from being a victim of attack. In that email, one of the recommendations was for a woman to walk in the middle of the street instead of the sidewalk when in neighborhoods or quiet streets at night if alone, because you are more visible in street light than the sidewalk. For some reason I've always remembered that and have walked in the middle of the street when alone ever since. 

So here I am, dressed up and walking in the middle of the street fumbling a bouquet of 100 long stemmed red roses. I hear a car slow down behind me and it slows down to the point of following right behind me, even as I had moved to the side for it to pass. The car was following slowly for a solid 2 minutes before I turned around and stopped. A fancy car pulls up beside me and the driver rolls down the window. Out pops a head saying, "Why are you carrying roses that are bigger than you are in the middle of the street?

Me: "Why are you creepily following me?"

KM: "Well it's not everyday you see a woman walking in the middle of the street carrying that many roses. Are those from your boyfriend? If not, what's your name?" He had a friend in the passenger seat who I heard laughing.

I said "Nope, they are a friends and my name is Karli" then turned around to keep walking. He continued to slowly follow behind me in his car. 

His friend leaned over and yelled out the window "Oh you two should go out, the night is young and you both are attractive single people. I'm married, so take it from me: go out and enjoy yourselves while you're young. Don't worry, my friend's harmless, he's a Dr."

Me: "Uh huh..I'm sure he is. He's probably an actor on the side as well."

The car stops and KM gets out and says "what you don't believe I am one?" and goes around to his trunk and laughingly says, "then how would you explain this?" and points to something in his trunk.

I said "I know this trick....this is where you shove me in your trunk and my organs end up sold to the black market in Italy."

He pulls out his MD coat and hospital badges. I looked at them and laughed...you are a ------ Dr. and my ---- are fine, so your services aren't needed." 

KM: "Ha, you little smart ass! Come get a drink with me...or a bite to eat....coffee....dessert.....karaoke? Im dropping my friend off at his car here and then you should follow me to this restaurant a couple blocks up and join me for a beer. Just a beer."

I had arrived at my car, unlocked the door and put the roses in the backseat. 

KM: "At least a beer Karli. Life is short. I dare you!"

He was right. Life is short and life is an adventure. I'm always game for a good dare so I said "Beer it is."

I followed him to a restaurant and parked in the space next to him. He held out his hand without saying a word and walked with me up to the entrance. He asked the hostess to seat us in the "private room" and she nodded while escorting us to the back. I was very confused as to what the "private room" was...

We walked into a dimly lit room with a leather couch, table and TV on the wall. I thought....Oh gawd, porn is going to start playing or something?

Then he sits me down on the couch and hands me and book. I started to laugh and opened it up a little scared....and then realized its a book of songs. Then all of a sudden he clicked a remote and a Green Day song came on and he started belting out the words.

I was dying....clearly he has been here before, and this was not a joke to him. After he sang that song with much enthusiasm, he turned and said to me  "I'm pretty good huh?"

Then he got up, left our "private room" and came back with two beers.

He sat down and asked which song I had chosen to sing...."Umm, I'm not sure, there's so many to choose from and my vocals don't compare to yours."

KM: "Oh, don't be shy, I know i'm good but you gotta just put yourself out there!"

Then he put on a KC & JoJo song and turned to me while he sang it, hand movements and all...then he jumped up on the couch and sang to me as if he was an American Idol contestant. I was laughing so hard my stomach started to hurt. The best part was that he was not kidding....he was serious, and looked borderline offended by my laughter. 

After he sang numerous songs (with me awkwardly singing his backup vocals) we decided to leave and walked back to our cars. He told me how much fun he had and leaned me against his car to kiss me. He told me I was beautiful and he felt lucky to have been driving down the street when he did. He asked if he could see me again and then said "I sing in karaoke contests...I usually win...next time you'll have to come and we can duet."

The look on his face was completely serious, not being funny or sarcastic. I awkwardly said "Sure, maybe, i'll try and warm up my vocals for next time."

Not realizing my sarcasm he said "Thatta girl" and gave me a thumbs up as I drove away.

I got home and my friend called me and said, "I never got to say goodbye to you after the party. Did you just go home after?"

Me: "Umm...actually I went to karaoke."

Friend: "What? With who!"

Me: "With a random man I met in the street."

Friend: "Are you serious or kidding?"

Me: "Not kidding. And he got really into it. Like scary into it. He's in contests...it's serious."

At the end of the conversation she said: "So you met a random man in the middle of the street, followed him to a restaurant, let him take you into a dark back room, watched him sing you songs while jumping around on couches, and then you went home."

Me: "Exactly.....but he dared me to."

Elevator Man

It was my friends birthday and a group of us went to dinner at a rooftop restaurant downtown. Now to describe the group of individuals I was with, let's just say that many of them I had met for the first time at this restaurant, and they were typical LA women: beautiful, hair and makeup to a  "T",  the highest of high heels and shortest of dresses. I walked in holding birthday cupcakes, and took the elevator to the rooftop. A man was amongst me in the elevator and I hear him say, "You're here for a birthday party I take it?"

Me: "No i'm carrying birthday cupcakes for the hell of it."

He cocked his head to one side and stared at me before halfway smiling.

Note to self: stop being such a smart ass....for some reason these days it comes way too naturally. I've been through so much bullshit that I tend to say out loud what i'm thinking in my head.

Now to give readers an idea of this man from first impression, he was in business work attire, well groomed, very handsome, and clearly a young professional. He had a great smile and perfect teeth. 

The elevator came to a stop, I wished him a good night and found my way to the birthday table. 

I sat there drinking champagne while chatting with new faces and found myself realizing that no matter how long i've been in this city I could never conform to to the lifestyle of these women sitting before me. Through the superficial conversation of who's boyfriend was cheating on who, I was snapped out of my daydream by one of the girls snapping her fingers in the air to the waiter for assistance. I quickly looked around MORTIFIED to see if anyone else was noticing this highly unnecessary act. No one seemed to care or find it to be of any concern to them. I cowardly put my head down, as if to hide once the waiter came over, feeling guilty by association. The waiter asked what she needed and she said (and I am not kidding you) "We'll take another bottle of champagne on the house, I know $%@&* and he said it was fine." The waiter stood there and said he'd have to check, and she said "go ahead."

Once the waiter walked away I couldn't help myself so I said said very sarcastically "WOW you're a really good snapper. Who's name did you just give the waiter? 

"One of the owners...we used to sleep together, so he owes me."

I sat there staring at her in bewilderment as she then grabbed her glass and took a drink as if this was a normal conversation. I then realized as I looked around the table that I did not belong here at this table. Every purse was a Louis Vuitton and every heel had a red back showcasing their choice purchase of Christian Louboutin's. I will never compare to the physical sex appeal of these women before me, nor would I care or choose to. The only time you'll find me spending that type of money is on traveling or antique books....especially books. (Which I just realized, that may be why i'm single...dammit.) 

A few minutes later after our "house" bottle arrived and we toasted to a birthday sip, my solo gaze over the city lights was interrupted by the sound of a man's voice asking who the birthday girl was. I turned and saw the suited man from the elevator standing at the head of our table with a scotch in hand. All the ladies turned very excitedly to the good looking man before us and pointed to my friend. He then raised his glass and said he'd like to buy the birthday girl a drink to celebrate. All the ladies blushed and sat in awe. The "snap" lady across from me clearly was interested and aroused by this man's bravery of confronting our table, so she said him and his friends should join us after to our next location. I started to tune the conversation out, knowing this man would be her next victim, and why wouldn't he oblige, I mean just look at her! I resumed my focus on the city lights below me until I heard:

EM: "Beside getting the birthday girl a drink I was actually coming over to get this young ladies number."

Due to dead silence, I looked up and realized everyone was staring at me. He stood there with a grin on his face and the silence was broken as 'snap lady' said out loud while pointing to me, "Her? Karli?"

He said "Yes, I will not be leaving until I receive this beautiful ladies number."

I was in shock....me? Is he nuts! 'Snap lady' was pissed as my friend cheered and yelled out loud my number. The man came over and grabbed my hand, kissed it and said "nice to meet you Karli" before walking away. The girls were in an uproar and laughingly enjoyed that moment of "Mr. Suave". They made me promise to go out with him once he asked. We left the restaurant...both me and 'snap lady' wildly confused.

Three days later EM had asked me to meet him downtown for lunch. He greeted me at the front of the restaurant, suited up and looking handsome. We walked up to the counter to order and the hostess said "Will this be together or separate?" and before I could even say anything, he quickly yelled "Separate"

My eyes opened wide and I nodded while handing over my card for my order.....well this is an interesting start to a lunch "date". We then sat down outside with our sandwiches very awkwardly. He then said "So...Karli. Tell me about yourself!"

We engaged in typical conversation and it was going normally well until out of the blue he said "So what's your deepest fantasy?"

Me: "Um. Like sexual fantasy?"

EM: "Of course."

I was shocked and partly scared by his confidence in his question. 

I was unprepared to answer this.

Me: "I don't know....you?"

EM: "I really like leather...and I recently went to an art show where the artist used leather and latex art pieces in the form of human sex symbols. It was very interesting and got me thinking that i'd like to play in the bedroom with leather and latex."

I swallowed very loudly and stared at him smiling in his business suit. This was taking an unexpected turn...I thought he must be messing with me, he's got to be kidding...

EM: "Do you think you'd be into that? How do you feel? It could be something fun for us to try?"

He was definitely not joking.

I continued to eat my sandwich while staring at him. I felt out of my comfort zone with this conversation being the first "non-date" and all. So I said "Welp...it could be interesting I guess and I'd love to hear all about your latex/leather sex-capades one day after you have them."

He seemed confused by my bold response and laughed. "Don't be ashamed of your inner wants and desires. It's okay to express yourself and your womanly needs, even to a new acquaintance. It's something we can explore together. You are a beautiful woman. You're body is sexy and the way you carry yourself is intimidating for a man. I think we can and should explore our fantasies together."

I attempted to hide my astonished face. Men never cease to confuse/amaze me.

I ended up smiling at him while I wrapped up the second half of my sandwich in the to-go foil the waitress brought and put my purse over my shoulder to show my need to leave. He looked let down that my response wasn't in agreeance with his "50 Shades of Grey" offer. He slowly wrapped the second half of his lunch as well, stood up and put his sunglasses on. He walked me to the corner, gave me a hug and said. "Let's explore life together Karli. Don't be afraid. I don't bite in public...only in the bedroom." Then he grabbed my face and aggressively kissed me...using way too much tongue than necessary. He bit my lip and kissed me one last time before saying he hoped to see me soon.

I walked away and thought "What the $%@* just happened!?" 

Two days later I received a text message from EM that read: "I'll have the leather if you bring the wine...."

You're Welcome 2015...

Welp...Here we go again. Back in action. Due to the surprising amount of emails I received of women (and men) telling me I better get back to writing of my life's unfortunate events, I realized that people find enjoyment from the posts as much as I enjoy writing them. There is something uplifting and cleansing about writing down and sharing with the world my unbelievable situations.

This January of 2015 will be my second year anniversary living in LA.

Let's do a recap of major events shall we:

1) The first two weeks of living in the city I was kidnapped by Italians and held against my will in an empty apartment until I escaped running through downtown alleyways barefoot and bleeding.

2) I moved into an apartment downtown and was forced out due to gang member children turning my living situation into a Lifetime movie.

3) I decided to go on 50 dates in 50 days.

4) I fell in love and out of love.


Yes, these are true stories.


So here we are 2015. Let the 50 in 50 games begin.


Oh, and Tinder..........you're welcome.